My wife swears it wasn’t her. Yet we lived in relative bliss before she brought home bags of produce from the farm. Within days our kitchen was infested with fruit flies. I mean hundreds of the little buggers. Whatever the cause, we suddenly had a perfect experiment to answer the burning question: Does wine trap fruit flies?

In the name of science, I opened a bottle of our finest Pino Noir and poured a glass, first for myself then for the flies. Fully expecting hoards to commit harikiri into the delicious nectar, with military precision like a World War II banzai charge. I sipped with anticipation. Surprisingly nothing happened. Perhaps I was too close? Grabbing the mostly full bottle, I retreated to the deck for what seemed like hours.

Returning to the kitchen that evening I wondered, had the wine trap worked? Of course not. Fruit flies are a group of ancient species. They evolved to avoid self-destructive behaviors like drowning, even in wine. Although a few lushes had overindulged, the vast majority lapped the vino from a safe perch.

Experiment number two, fueled by alcohol and frustration, didn’t go much better. Enlisting the wine as bait and armed with towels, I danced around the kitchen after my prey. Oblivious to my wife’s laughter.  I flattened a few slow, drunk flies. But no matter how furiously I slapped the counter, these tiny creatures cheated death.

Finally, it was time to commission my expert knowledge of science and evolution. Surely I could devise a devious plan these bugs hadn’t evolved a natural behavior to avoid. Poison came to mind. But poison in the house didn’t sound good. Even spraying water would cause too much damage. Then it dawned on me. What human innovation could outfox fly evolution? Yes, the all-purpose shop vac! Like its cousin duct tape, the modern wet & dry vacuum often works when nothing else does.

Experiment number three, deploying advanced technology, had to work. After grabbing the shop vac, I carefully poured any last drops into the wine trap. Then waited for the scent to lure my stealthy victims. They slowly hovered as if suspecting something. But it was too late. I flipped the vacuum switch and whoosh, flies were sucked in by the dozens. Others scattered in terror. So I hid behind the island and waited, then pounced again. Repeating this procedure several times nearly eradicated the entire hoard within hours.

I sometimes glimps an errant fruit fly taunting me from a small crevice in our cabinets. But thanks to a bottle of Pino Noir and the mighty shop vac, we live in relative bliss again.